All About Life and the Pursuit of Knowledge, Meaning, and Health as Experienced by a Disabled-but-able-bodied Veteran, Husband, Father, Christian, Native Floridian; Fitness/Wellness/Recovery Coach; And a a Seeker of Wisdom, Good Books, And Great Thinkers.
Well, another month has passed and I am not much closer to my goals from February, aside from my weight staying down. I know that sounds different because at 36 y/o we all know that weight is difficult to maintain, especially with erratic sleep and eating schedules. Bet hey, we take the wins where we can get them.
For those that follow me closely (Hi, Mom), I have been really struggling with my sleep and subsequently my mood. It’s funny that I am writing this at 0555 in the morning on a Saturday. I thank my daughter for strolling into my room at 0400 this morning. I just stayed up because I can’t continue to just lay around wishing for sleep, it’s driving me crazy.
So I came to the kitchen to perfect my espresso. 7 shots later (I only drank 3) I am still not perfect but I know a few things that I should not do…. like start the machine without a cup underneath the drip.
My seventh and final cup of espresso from this morning. Lightly tamped, full ground (9) blonde roast, approx. 2.6 oz.
It doesn’t look too bad. In hindsight, I should have practiced with my cheaper auto-drip coffee, but you know what they say about hindsight… it fills you with regret and despair! Seriously, it’s not that serious.
Where to begin… I have no idea about my health. As I alluded to above, I am not sleeping well at all. At all. I had a sleep study done about six days ago on Monday night. I had seen a new sleep doctor the preceding Friday, Dr. Jane Doe. Actually, it isn’t ‘Jane,’ but for anonymity I will keep it like that. I don’t want to alienate my new Doctor, although she has a better chance of being discovered by kids in Guam with no internet than on my scarcely read blog pages.
My depression is but it isn’t. That’s about how much sense it makes to me. I try to justify my wild ups and downs (mostly the latter) by referring to my three close encounters with death (read about those in here). *(While linking that I just realized my blog is still an unorganized mess… and I’m very frustrated with WordPresses Interface)
I’m hiring a pro-bono website designer..
As Far as medication, I’m off of everything except vitamins and otc medications for my stomach/GI tract. But I don’t have to tale those much thanks to my Shakeology and Shakeology boosts. Check out my YouTube channel for a video or more about Shakeology (yes, I sell it, but more importantly I drink it…the proof is in my kitchen. Click on the picture for my YouTube Channel that needs more content)
My beloved Shakeology stash. This, my friends, is why I’m not 300 lbs right now. No joke.
So, I clearly have no clue about my health other than that I am alive and breathing, and today that’s good enough for me.
Well, graduate school is not hard, well, not in the sense that it takes maximum effort to produce quality work. The hard work comes in when trying to makes sense of the terrible ideologies of the professors and the education system in general. I believe I should finish my degree(s) before I elaborate on that.
I can write an A paper in no time; about 7.5 hours for a 7-8 page paper, APA formatted with 8-10 references… IF I know what I want to right about. Maybe double that when trying to narrow a topic. That may sound like boasting, and it is. I am quite proud of my strengths.
I have no idea where I am going n my educational journey, but I know I don’t really want to quit just yet. I have received a few job offers this summer. Well, we’ll say one actual job offer and opportunities. Connections are important folks. I’ve always been bad at that, but the connections that I have made are quality. Quality > Quantity as far as I’m concerned.
I’m going to add here that I don’t think that psychiatrists in general are very good people. I’ve never met one that wasn’t a complete fabrication of a counselor… a medical doctor (not even a knowledgeable one) that TALKS TO YOU, never listens, for about 10-15 minutes and pushes medications. They have no training, or act like they don’t, in counseling. I don;t know how that got so twisted on television. But then again, I’ve only ever seen government paid Psychiatrists.
I said that to say this: I explained my goals (and my apprehension in pursuing them because of my age and family status) to my psychiatrist and she acted very pleased and offered me her best wishes. When I read her note the next week I saw that she actually thought that I was psychotic and had ‘grandiose’ and unrealistic plans for my future. I have a gang of terrible words brewing about her right now so let me just say that I was not happy.
Goals and everything else…
Ok, so as I said in the opening to this very lengthy Seinfeld-esque post about my vanity, I have been slacking on my goals. In reality, I’ve been crushing out my college courses but that’s about it.
I am doing my best to get into my fitness regimen (not regiment folks… a routine isn’t a military unit) again, but as you read, maybe, I have not been sleeping well. My energy is down. And to be honest, if you have every had MDD (major depressive disorder) you would know how terrible that is. Depression is one thing, everyone gets it at some point. It sucks. MDD is different. Listen to Dr. Jordan Peterson’s description here. That’s about as accurate as I can tell. It may even be worse. It’s not good. And the worst part of it, I KNOW THAT I AM BLESSED AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. That’s why it’s so complex and difficult to treat.
So I am going to jump back on the horse and get back into working out. I need some workout buddies. My fitness clients don’t live anywhere close so I simply post about my workouts (or lack thereof) and coach them. You don’t technically have to be fit to help others get fit, but it is useful to be a product of your knowledge. And I am going to make sure I get there.
In my opinion, if you can walk without support you can be fit. NO EXCUSES. I will standby for proof to the contrary.
As for my fitness coaching, blogging, vlogging, and other endeavors… I am pushing forward. People need encouragement and I need to help people. Without that, I don’t know what I would do.
I think I’ll stop here and pick this up next time.
Thanks to those that took the time to read this. If you made it all the way through, leave a thumbs up or something in the comment section.
I wasn’t sleeping well the few days leading up to Easter Sunday. That’s not all that abnormal. Sometime I get busy at night and I have a strict 4am wake up policy (however depending on duration I may sleep an extra hour, or if I can’t squeeze more than an hour or two in I may skip it all together). I know, it’s not normal.
So, I was getting about 1.5-2 hrs of sleep Friday and Saturday night, and Sunday I was back up pressure washing the GRASS at dawn … because I fell asleep while I was pressure washing the patio.
Apparently I was acting a bit out of sorts, and when our Easter celebration was over I was encouraged (told) to go to the hospital. Apparently people could see things that I could not. I remember showering, leaving, arriving in the ER on Sunday Night…
then waking up with a tube in my throat on Tuesday morning…
I have not a clue how this happened or why. Apparently they had me on various types of breathing apparatuses and when I was alone in a room, I simply stopped breathing (Monday morning) and was emergency intubated which is worse than a planned one because I have some serious bleeding in my throat and lungs…. part of the deal I guess. The reason I stopped breathing was yet again my Co2 levels in my blood/brain were so high that my brain turned my lungs off.
Like the first (Feb 22) episode and unlike the second (April 4) episode, I actually have a touch of pneumonia in my left lung.
So what is going on?
Lots of theories, lots of questions, no concrete answers, and I’m afraid to die in front of my children.
Some theories are Chiari Malformation, which was found in an MRI. Apparently very common and usually asymptomatic. Repeated MRIs showed that this is most likely not the cause, and the Neurosurgeon and her team feel comfortable this is not the issue.
Another theory is Central Sleep Apnea, but evidence is lacking at this time. And another working theory is that I may have a it of daytime sleepiness (narcolepsy) which causes my sleep/wake cycle to be off and can cause central apnea among other things. This would explain alot since I do have a habit of falling asleep anywhere at anytime, even in the car. These two theories are from Team Pulmonology.
I’m not afraid to die at all, my Creator has that all worked out. I just don’t want my kids to see it happen. That’s not okay.
But I must put my trust in God because the alternative is unspeakable and truly nihilistic.
I ask for two things…share this far and wide so we can possibly find some workable theories, and comment below if you have any ideas…
Also, I ask for your prayers. Whether you pray or not, I ask that you suck it up, speak to my God in whom I place all trust, and ask him to proceed with his will, whatever that may be.
That’s pretty much what I have for now.
Please and thank you, share, share, share… pray, pray, pray… and pray for my dog also…
“Digital Dilemma,” “Digital Dementia,” or “Piss Poor Parenting/Preparation.”
As parents we need to be more engaged with our kids as they navigate through early life, adolescence, and young adulthood.
I see too many 12 year olds, 10 year olds (mine previously included), even as young as 6 years old having cell phones or iPads. Listen to this video, and identify yourself, your friends and family, and your kids in his talk.
How many of you are guilty of being on your phone when your kid is trying to get your attention, then getting angry because they are interrupting your game, or post, or mindless scrolling?
Me. I’m guilty. As a matter of fact, I’m guilty of everything that I wrote in this…advice piece…rant….whatever. I’ll call it an enlightening article.
We have to pull these phones back. They have watches that allow kids to call a set amount of pre-programmed numbers, and you can track your kids via GOS on them. No messages. No social media. No addictive dopamine kicks throughout the day, which then cause terrible crashed, withdrawal, and depression later.
I propose that kids have no digital device (social media, texts) until they are at least 16 years old, and even that may be too early.
And stop giving your kids everything they ask for. If they didn’t earn it, then they don’t give it.
And seriously, what kid needs a smartphone? It’s barely necessary for most adults to own.
Watch the video… on your device…then put your devices up because your kids probably want your TIME.
Example from video’s implications of negative effects:
A ‘friend’s’ kid went to the doctor recently and was prescribed an antidepressant. From a 30 minute office visit, from a physician…and no diagnosis. I advised the ‘friend’ to disregard this hack’s prescription, find a new doctor, and maybe try to spend less time on their own devices and more time with the kid. Like Simon says in the video, when our phone is siting in close proximity when someone (in this case our kid) is trying to interact, we are sending a signal that they aren’t important, or at least as important as the strangers on our social media pages.
I believe that we, as a modern and debatably weak(er) minded construct, have become accustomed to blaming anything and everything for the way we live our lives, the way our lives turned out, or the things that have happened to us or are happening to us right now. Maybe it is someone else’s FAULT that you are missing a limb. It is most definitely someone else’s fault if you have fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). It’s not your fault if you parents liked to drink or drank so much that they can be considered ‘problem drinkers’ or alcoholics.
But with all these faults that are ours, yours, mine, theirs… we have to take responsibility NOW for what we are going to do next. “I was born in a barn.” Okay, so what are you going to do? Stay in that barn? (metaphorically) Or are you going to leave the barn and begin to live, burn that barn down and start fresh, walk away from that barn and never look back??
Playing the victim seems to be the popular game these days, especially for ‘groups’ of people that claim they are marginalized and labeled, when they themselves are the ones that are marginalizing and labeling, or even worse, accepting those labels and crying out for people to give them something foe their suffering. Money, power, attention…but most importantly they want to be respected. We all do. But you don’t gain much respect by playing the ‘victim’ and blaming other people for you inability to overcome adversity.
Les Brown stated that “nobody is going to want to help you if you are always complaining.” Isn’t that true? Think about some examples of that in your own life. Have you experienced this or seen someone else experience this? Who gets more money… the guy on the street looking angry holding a sign that says “homeless and hungry,” or the guy playing the violin with a sign that says “will play for food?”
I’m not inferring that homeless people need a talent to be fed. I was demonstrating the importance of positivity, responsibility, and motivation to get what you NEED.
Now, with all the adversity that EVERYONE contends with every single day, why is it that groups of people are labeled as being worse off than others? Whole groups of people, and there are hundreds, maybe thousands of groups depending on how the ‘victim’ chooses to describe his/herself, are at a disadvantage because of something that happened hundreds or thousands of years ago?
I think it’s time we will take responsibility for our own lives and those of our children and start making tracks every day to improve our existence. I’m not going to sit down on my couch with my hand out waiting for someone to pay me for a wrong that happened to me 10 years ago, or for something that happened to an ancestor that I’ve never met (Scotland would probably owe my family of that were thee case).
It is my duty, my responsibility, and my moral obligation to say “I’m moving in that direction, straight ahead (straight up is also acceptable) because there is nothing back there that is going to change a thing. I can blame everyone for everything, but in the end that blaming will get me NOTHING but pain and suffering, which I don’t want any of, not anymore.
Now I’m going to get really specific because this has been eating at me. You can love it or hate it, but life is too short to sugar coat this mess.
I am not sorry that I’m not a person of color. I’m not privileged because of the color of my skin. Some people may have been mocked or mistreated because of the color of their skin, and I have too. But I’m not complaining about it. The thoughts, opinions, and words that other people have towards me are irrelevant to the goals that I am chasing. If you choose to dwell on who has more and “why me?” crap, then you will just get more of what you’ve been getting, and you can only blame yourself for being who you are today.
Get off the “poor me because I’m…gay, black, Hispanic, female, male, Asian, muslim, disabled, etc… The question remains… “what are you going to do about it?” What, within your locust of control, can you do to improve your suffering and live a life of fulfillment and meaning?
You can start by getting rid of those thoughts that someone owes you or that you’ve been wronged. Take responsibility for your trajectory, take charge of your thinking, take actions daily to improve your life, and when you finally get it…you will be obligated to share it and help ease the suffering of others.
And if you are thinking that this post is racist, or sexist, or anything ‘ist,’ that just goes to show you that this post is indeed about you. And you need to change the way you are looking at things. Racism is real. Sexism is real. Bigotry is real. But that’s not coming from the majority of the populace… it is a very small minority of people.
Don’t believe the lies you have been told about history, about the world, and especially the ones about yourself. “Self-fulfilling prophecies.” I’ll let you look that one up.
Have a great day and please Like, Subscribe, Share, Comment, Complain, Follow, etc…
Additionally, if you have an opinion piece that would like featured on this page, send me a message and I’d be happy to consider it.
Well, after reviewing my self-proclaimed ‘epic’ advice blog post about goal setting…I realize there is very little actual information about how to actually set the goals rather than just the importance of having them.
I will write a shorter, more digestible blogpost later today with some practical steps/advice on how to set goals that will be productive rather than destructive. I’ll also explain the importance and difference between 1st level, 2nd level, and 3rd level goals (short-term, mid-term, and long-term goals, respectively).
Prioritizing within these levels is also important, and developing and implementing an action plan is just as important as setting the goal(s). You can’t have one without the other. Well you can…but you won’t end up where you want to be.
More on this later….get your workout in!
As soon as I’m healed, I’ll be joining you. I had my workers (family/friends/spouse/kids) finish my workout space/office…and I can’t wait to use it.
And here it is!
Patiently (impatiently) waiting for my body to heal…meanwhile…Shakeology!!
First of all, don’t forget to like, share, comment, and follow.
What does it feel like to die? Do we see mysterious things? Visit mysterious places? Heaven? Hell? Something else? We’ll come back to that.
*** Denotes changes, additions, and corrections to information(excluding typographical and grammatical changes) Last Edits: 3/5/10 @0924; 3/16/18 @ 0449;
It is said that there are essentially two ways that a person can change and/or grow: ‘failure’ and ‘significant life events’ (e.g., trauma). I’ve had my fair share of both, or course, just like most every other human. Some significant events in my life include multiple types of trauma, many failures, and a handful of miscellaneous ‘significant life events.’ Let’s explore a few of these negative ones before we get to the event that is described by this post’s title, and the reason most of you are reading this. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’ve had more success than I deserve. But some took pain and discomfort to achieve, and for that I am grateful.
I am comfortable discussing many things, but there are a some that are just for a very close circle of people. I will share some of these ‘life events.’ For most of these events, there are only a handful of people that know about them. For a couple of these events, there is one person. And for one that I don’t talk about, there is nobody alive today that knows and that’s the way it shall remain. It’s just one of those things. So…here we go.
While serving in the military, I experienced roughly 8 events that had a significant impact in the manner in which I viewed my existence, humanity, and God. I’ve seen death from both sides of ‘the line.’ I’ve lost very good friends on deployment. And I’ve had to do some ‘thing’ which is still [debatably] unforgivable. That ‘thing’ took my soul and changed me for life. (I’ve since reclaimed that soul)
Additionally, while serving in the military, I’ve experienced some events on the semi-civilian side of life while acting as a volunteer fire fighter (love/hate relationship). I’ve lost three patients on medical and motor vehicle accident calls. Two were rather benign in nature, contextually. One of them, a man that had been entrapped in a logging truck and slowly burned alive (my sincerest condolences if his family reads this and feel a lack of empathy, that is not the case, I feel for him and you, almost every day). Well, I say alive but that’s an assumption. He was surely unconscious from the accident. A fire began in the lower right front portion of the semi-truck, and I was instructed to stand-down by my Chief. I do not feel good about this at all. But I have to believe he made the right call, and I do believe that it was his call to make. But man, the thoughts of “what if” creep in very often, and I have has some terrifying nightmares/terrors as a result of these events, especially this one. ***Both the Chief and I smelled that distinct, indescribable odor in our faces/noses/brains for weeks.
However, when I finally sobered up in May 2017, I regained control of my mind incrementally and most of my mental health symptoms are well-controlled without medications. Though I still have nightmares, I have learned how to mitigate their effects. I now have the power to decide what I let into my head to hang out, and what to let go. ***That is a quality that some people never learn, and I can thank my experiences (especially addiction) for taking me on that journey of self-discovery and self-awareness.
I mentioned sobriety just above: 22+ years of drinking and sporadic drug use. Nothing since May 8th, 2017. That’s how I learned to cope with emotions and feelings, negative and positive life events, and eventually everything. Some of you understand and many of you might be ignorant people that don’t and/or never will understand addiction. Meanwhile, most humans suffer from some form of addictive behaviors. It’s not your fault if you don’t understand. And I’m not here to convert anyone or educate anyone about addiction. If you have questions or need someone to talk to about your use or that of a loved one, please feel free to message me. I would be happy to help in any way that I can. ***I love to talk and encourage, and I will try to be available when times are tough. This is a free service.
I think that’s plenty of history for this post. Now for the event that occurred on February 22nd, 2019.
I have no memories from the evening of the 21st to the evening of the 25th) that night I was breathing funny and my family begged me to go to urgent care the following morning. I guess I refused because I just wanted to sleep, so they all went to a basketball game. Something (GOD?) told my wife to come home to check on me, and to take me to the ER.
When she and my kids came home, I was unconscious with stridor at about 2-3 rpm, cyanotic (blue) from head to toe and in my fingers. My body shut down to preserve my brain. At some point, I was gone completely. I cannot find the appropriate documentation to say for certain how long that was for. My wife called EMS, who came and suspected an overdose and gave me Narcan (naloxone). Obviously, that didn’t help at all because I don’t do drugs. Somebody very powerful also tried a sternum rub…which I feel still today. I was rushed to the hospital, intubated, brought back around, induced into a coma for three days (Feb 22, 23, 24) and awakened the evening of the 24th. At the hospital, once intubated, a young doctor came out and told my wife that IF I regained consciousness, I may not ever be the same due to the unknown length of hypoxia (loss of oxygen to the brain). That was within the first few hours of my stay. While these unpredictable assumptions can be true, it’s best to refrain from telling that to a family member so soon. I understand where he was coming from, and I respect his honesty, but he should have waited for more information to make such a claim.
Within the first ~18 hours of awakening from the medial coma, I was hallucinating from the propofol (***and maybe ketamine, versed, and/or fentanyl) and I couldn’t remember talking to people every time the same people entered the room. I literally met the same people, for the first time, over and over for hours. It sucked. This is where I should add that I had so much love from friends and family visiting, taking care of my kids, and bringing food. I just couldn’t remember that they had been there when they came back in the room.
On top of that horrible short-term memory loss, everything in the room made a noise, pictures and objects moved with the sounds, and I kept seeing spots. Oh, and there was the amazing removal of the catheters in my [place where catheters normally go] and in my leg. No fun. I did not sleep at all that night. But somehow, through the power of prayer or a literal miracle, I began improving at an alarming rate. ***There is also a good amount of retrograde amnesia, which is confusing because I can barely remember the entire week leading up to this incident.
Every time that I began to pray or thought of my kids…I cried uncontrollably. Thankfully since I couldn’t finish a prayer, there were hundreds of friends, family, and even people I don’t know praying for me. 🙂 This world is a good place to be. I truly believe in humanity.
On Feb 25th, I was told that I was going to stay in the ICU for about 7 days, then go to an inpatient OT/PT unit for 10-12 days. On Feb 26th, they moved me to a room down the hall where I had some more freedom and less wires and tubes. I also had the opportunity to move around more. On Feb 27th, they said that I would most likely not need the inpatient OT/PT….and later that day I was released into the care of my family.
While all of this was going on, my wife was undergoing surgery in the same hospital, unbeknownst to me. And she was given too much dilaudid (hydromorphone), overdosed, and stopped breathing. What a week!!! Narcan flip and back to life with her, also (praise God). Her last word before she stopped breathing… “ANDREW”- My first words upon waking… “My Wife!” 😥
Now let’s skip back to our original query. What is it like to die? Can we see a light? Do we dream? Out of body experience?
I cannot say for sure. What I remembered was not consistent with reality…or was it? The reason that I am posting this over week after it happened is because I had to pray, listen to everyone’s accounts of the events, think and make sense of it all. And here’s what I have.
There was something. I was in a white environment, illuminated with brilliant lights: blues, white, and an unexplained ‘other’ hue. The reason that I remember going to this place was to be freed from illness. I know what you’re thinking…”that’s a hospital, goofy.” Maybe. But it felt real, and right, and not even close to anywhere in that hospital that I’ve seen. I felt that I was being carried into a room immersed in light and had kind people everywhere. I had the feeling that I was not supposed to be there, but I was there because I had to be. I can’t really explain much more than that. And that doesn’t sound much like a miracle. ***But there is something distinctly divine about the experience. That’s my testimony. I know, meeting Jesus or seeing God would make for a better story, but I didn’t. Or I don’t remember if I did.
But the shape that I was in on February 22nd, and then the shape that I was in on the 27th…..nothing short of a MIRACLE. Nobody could believe it. I mean, I was gone. Kidneys shut down, hypoxia, lungs completely full of serum, not fluid. You see, I had vomited into my lungs for two straight nights. I was the youngest person to be in that ICU. And two people died while I was in there (God rest their souls. The staff were great, the process was horrible, but I have LIFE. I AM ALIVE.
Nothing comes close to forcing a person to take a long, hard look at their life and priorities than dying and coming back so fast that it’s like you’d never left. I had my life plan, my daily routine, my priorities in line before this accident. But that’s all in the bag. Sure, I’m still going to pursue a doctoral program. But which one? Well, I want to do two, simultaneously. PhD in Neuroscience CONCURRENTLY with MD (Dual Doctoral). ***On further reflection…I have no idea what I’m going to do when I get all my strength back and my pain decreases.
Other than professional goals…the biggest changes in the way that I plan to live now is with intent, purpose, and for relationships. My kids and wife come first (well, after God of course), family and friends second, and I am going to pour everything I have into anyone I meet. And I don’t give a [crap] if I get paid a tiny red cent. (why red?).
You see…for me…life isn’t about what I’ve done or who I was, and it isn’t about what I’ll be or what I want to do…Life is about other Life. Think about it. Why are humans so social? Relationships are the most important thing that I am going to focus on. That’s what this experience told me.
My kids almost lost both parents in just a few days. And I have always been to busy trying to grow a business, build a career, and make money to provide for my family. My family wasn’t ever starving for food, or clothes, or other material things. They were starved for attention. TIME. Kids don’t care how much you make, what kind of car you drive, or how cool your job is. They may brag about those things to look cool, maybe, to their friends. ***But they don’t actually benefit from these things, developmentally. In my opinion, the key to a successful relationship is to spend TIME with those kids. (plenty of research that supports this, but I think deep down we all know our kids want us to put the damn phone down)
If there is anything that I want you to take away from this experience, from a 36-year-old retired, disabled, recovering alcoholic, father of three, husband, Christian, full-time student and Red-Cross Volunteer…it’s that the only three of those [labels] that truly matter are that I am a husband, father, and a Christian. And I’m going to put my money where my mouth is. It’s not about me…it’s about the people that I can help.
As soon as I recover…because yes, I’m still very weak and my brain still quite slow.
Thanks for reading…please like and subscribe…share, and follow my other media…and most importantly have a blessed day!!
***As I learn new things, I will add and/or correct this story to keep it accurate.